Sunday, July 10, 2005

friends schmiends

I was just thinking about all the people that have come & gone in my life over the past 5 years or so. Actually, make that 10. I consider high school to be where those friendships really matter; before that, you are too young to really know you are, and friendships kind of come & go before you even realize what they are. Before you are 15, people don't know what group they want to be in or what kind of person they want to be, period. Not really to say that in high school, all of that falls into place. But I think that by the end of our freshman year, most of the groups of friends that were going to form, had formed. I didn't go to a huge school; I graduated with about 350 kids. And true, I did make new friends even in my 4 years of high school, but not nearly as many. In any case, we knew by our freshman year who was going to be the Popular Crowd, who the Geeks were, who the Theater Kids were, who made up the Weird Kids, the Studious Ones, the Badass Crowd, the Athletes (or Jocks, to use the more derogatory term). And plenty more, I'm sure. Some kids were several; there were a few who were none. I knew that the friendships I had had with those Popular Girls back in elementary school weren't ever going to come back, and mostly I didn't care. I had several amazing friends, girls and guys, who actually cared about my life, not who I was currently doing or what I was currently drinking/smoking/snorting. I dunno, I know looking back that I was somewhat of a Good Girl, but I didn't feel that way then. I can't say that I was ever certain of who I was or what I wanted, but I was finding myself, and learning what I wanted from myself in life.

But, I digress. A whole lot. I wanted to write about those people I've lost, because it makes me sad, and I miss them. And I wish I hadn't lost them. It's weird, because some times in my life I feel like I know too many people and I don't have any time for myself, that I am constantly going out and I just wish I could stay at home and curl up with a good book and some Cool Whip or something, haha. But then there are times in my life when I feel like I have no life. This is one of those times. I guess it's because I am living at my parents' house in the interim - after 2 whole years having my own apartment (and 4 more of "living on my own" if you count college, and the 2 summers in between that I lived in my own place), I am back here at #198, back where I started from, so to speak. Heh. I know it's just temporary, but it's very hard for me because for the time being, I am stuck here. It's difficult trying to have my own life and be an adult when I am living at my parents' house. Not to say that they are restrictive in any way! But it's just weird. Which is partly why I spend so much time at Dan's, but even then it's not like it's his place. We are both just hanging out at our parents' houses until we can move into our place in Boston in September. UGH that feels like so far away!

Anyway, I keep not talking about what I wanted to talk about! See, one of the really weird things about being at home is that it's sometimes so much like 1999, and then again so much NOT like then. Most of the people I know who used to live in my town or even the surrounding ones have moved on, much as I did. I am so lucky to have Jen around because she is definitely a CT girl at heart, and she is saving up money to buy a condo! (I'm so jealous! - Good for her!) And I was so lucky to have Marsha before she left for Japan, because she didn't want to move anywhere if she was going to Japan, of course! But mostly everyone else that I cared about is gone, or isn't really my friend anymore. And that's so sad! Not to say I was totally popular in high school and that I had plans every night, but it was definitely better than this. And even the people that are still around are mostly busy, because they have lives here and I don't. I just feel like I'm passing through - but for 2 months. How weird.

And then there are the people I was friends with in CT even just last year, people I spent a lot of time with, who just don't really want to hang out with me anymore, I guess. Jess, BJ, Steph, Mike, etc. At least Nate wants to hang out (I love that kid!), but even he is very often busy. Besides, he lives far away! Anyway, I just miss all of those people, but they of course too have moved on & have their own lives. They didn't have to have waited around for me on the rare occasions I came back to CT for holidays & stuff. But it is kind of sad that every time I try to contact them, they just don't seem interested. I know it's hard because I haven't been around much, but I try to keep in touch with people! Sad. Anyway, I'm lucky to have met a few very awesome people in the past year or so who are good friends. I guess I just have to go with that. They are awesome people, so I don't mind! :)

And then of course there are all of the people I'm looking forward to seeing up in Boston! Bethany, JB, Caitlin, Christine, Julia, Pete! Yay! Of course, I will probably have the same feeling of being lonely & friendless when I am up there, but at least it won't be like Ithaca, where I just HAD no friends at all. Heh.

Well, I have to go help Mommy with dinner. I will add more later. I don't think I am done with this entry. There was stuff I wanted to say, and I don't think I said it. Perhaps I'll give this another attempt later on. <3

Currently Reading:

TITLE: War Fever
AUTHOR: J.G. Ballard

TITLE: Why Girls Are Weird
AUTHOR: Pamela Ribon

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