Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I'm thinking I'm not cut out for this "new" job of mine...I've been here 5 months, and I still feel like everyone thinks I have no idea what's going on. I sometimes do feel that way, too, although I do think I'm understanding more and more as time goes on. But I should never have taken a job in Java when I wasn't trained in it; I'm not confident enough in my abilities, and thus I ask really basic questions or aren't certain enough of what I need to do (try/catch blocks are killer to me, because I just don't always know where they are necessary). I have had two assignments that were once mine reassigned to someone else in the past two days. I feel like I'm being thought of as completely incompetent, and everyone's just figuring it's better to give the work to someone else, even someone who's overloaded. I don't know what to do. My old boss has offered me a position at my former company; I'd take over all the programming work from the old, established part of the company, and probably get a somewhat significant raise from what I was once making. And I know, for whatever reason, that he has confidence in my abilities...even if those abilities are in yucky Visual Basic.

I am not taking the reassignments personally like I might once have done; I'm not angry or upset at anyone, save for myself. I just am terrified that they presume me to be entirely incompetent. More trouble than I'd be worth, in the long run. I wish I had never agreed to stray outside of the comfy bounds of C++. Not that I'm not interested in learning new things...but to be the only new recruit that wasn't all that familiar with the language coming in makes me look really ridiculous, relative to everyone else. They know their stuff. I'm sitting here trying desperately to learn not only a new system, but a new language, too. It's incredibly frustrating. And I'm sure not only to me - also to my boss and the rest of my team. I'm pretty sure they'd be better off without me.

I'd hate to leave a new job after only having been here less than half a year. But it just doesn't feel like a good fit, as much as I like all the people and everything. I am sure the incredibly long commute every day also doesn't help matters, since I am much less inclined to "stay late" when that means I'd be getting home at 7 or 8. I value the time I get to spend doing my own stuff; work isn't my life. I feel like it's kind of got to be, here, or I'm not doing enough. And I don't want to forfeit my life for my job.

I don't know what to do. :(

p.s. Happy Halloween.

1 comment:

Jeanette said...

Have you thought more about what you want to do? It is very nice to have the possibility of another job already lined up. In some ways that could make the decision easier (less frightening) but in other ways harder.
Whatever you decide, good luck!