Monday, November 08, 2004

late-night thoughts

I wrote this last night on my laptop in kind of a "free-thought" format when these thoughts were keeping me from sleeping - hence the lack of capitalization (I tend to do that when I'm going to be typing a lot - saves strain on the hands or something heh).

i've GOT to stop being so fucking neurotic. i'm gonna ruin this great thing that i have. Dan and i have such a good thing going, and i just sit here and nitpick until we're both pissed off. it's awful. i see myself doing it, and i want to stop it, but it's like a train wreck that i have no control over until it's too late - after the crash, i try so hard to make things better, to ease the pain of the people who are suffering, to administer first aid and make sure they feel okay...but it's all just a bit too late. if only i could have stopped the train from running into that wall in the first place. i need to learn how to be less anxious! i guess it's anxiety, i don't know what else to call it. i just sit here and wonder why i feel like Dan doesn't want to make an effort with me, and then i say stuff to him that i shouldn't, that's uncalled for, and then i spend the rest of the time worrying that i'm going to scare him away finally, that one day he's gonna just give up having to try so hard with me, give up feeling like he has to appease me at every turn. just like all the other boys have done.

i know Dan's not them; that's what i love about him. but i can't seem to get my heart to wholeheartedly believe that. i just get more and more frightened as i fall further and further for him - because there's going to be a point where i'll be lost without him, like i felt when Chris first left me. and my heart wants so badly to ward off that loss, so it puts up these stupid walls to defend itself. but all that does is put an obstacle between my heart and Dan, which is exactly what i DON'T want. i'm so fucking confused. my emotions are so lost. i know that i nitpick because some warped thing deep inside of me wants to see him throw up his hands and give up and run away, so at least this time i'd know WHY the fuck the guy ran. but Dan won't give up, or at least hasn't yet, and i love him for that. there are so many reasons i love him. but i can't seem to get that through to the thing inside of me that wants to ruin all that for me! when i'm finally so happy again - i haven't felt this way about someone in years. he challenges me, he makes me want to be a better person. i know, this is all really stale cliche, but it's how i feel about him - and it's not how anyone else has made me feel, ever. and i guess that's another reason i'm so scared - because i am a person who likes comfort, and mostly resists change. and Dan is pushing my boundaries, and i am trying in my own weird way to reject that. i wish i wouldn't. i'm seeing more of the world than i ever have before. the boy is amazing.

i just hope he keeps not giving up on me until i've given in, and i won't fight anymore, i'll just let myself fall so deep into love i won't be able to ever get out.

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