Tuesday, June 12, 2007

are you happy now

This is a very emotional time of my life right now, for various reasons, so I guess there are going to be more of these personal posts than usual, although for many reasons I'll probably keep things pretty abstract.

I guess recently I've just been thinking a lot about happiness -- particularly, my own. I feel like I should focus on that -- that's what they say you should do when you are feeling down -- but I don't feel like there really is anything in my life right now that makes me unhappy, save for one thing, and I'm trying to work on that. Granted, I am terribly stressed about work, both the old & new jobs. That is just something I'm going to have to wait on. So why can't I wait on figuring out the other stuff, the relationship stuff? I'm incredibly impatient to get everything sorted out in my life, to get back to more stable footing. But I don't feel like I have control over eveything. And the stuff that I do have control over? I am happy with. I enjoy seeing my friends, reading, knitting. I don't require a lot to be content.

I keep thinking maybe I should be looking for something further, but what other area of my life do I look in? The only other thing I can think of is school, and while I know I do want to go back eventually, I don't feel like that's a pressing concern of mine. I'm definitely not chomping at the bit. Maybe one thing I should do is try to figure out what I'd want to go back to school for. Maybe I ought to start taking a class once I'm settled into the new job, if I can squeeze it in. It's not like I need to add more activity to my life, but I wouldn't mind trying to figure something more out about myself. Right now, I just don't know where to go.

The new job is going to be a pretty big upheaval, I think, so I guess I'll see how things go there, first. But I have been doing a lot of thinking about this, and I really can't figure out what more it is that I want out of life. I'm happy with where things are. I'm not anxious to have children, and I don't want to get married. I don't even have much ambition in terms of career. So...what is it? What am I working towards? What am I looking forward to? I need to figure these things out.

Yep, I may win for most cryptic post ever! xo

Currently Reading:

TITLE: White Teeth
AUTHOR: Zadie Smith

1 comment:

Nicole said...

I think this post speaks to a very natural part of your 20's - you are truly discovering who you are as an adult. In my opinion it's probably why so many young marriages didn't used to work out; because people got married before they truly had developed into who they were becoming. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I just wanted to say that you DO make sense in having these thoughts at this point in your life. Don't be discouraged because it takes a long time to slow down in this process to feel like you've climbed most of the way there. - Nicole