Tuesday, November 23, 2004

i'm feeling better

It's been a while, I know. Sorry 'bout that. I have actually been pretty busy (wow!). Dan came to visit me up in Ithaca a few weeks ago, and then we both drove back to CT this past Tuesday because I had a meeting to go to for work on Wednesday, and then on Thursday I took my baby to the CIA (Culinary Institute of America, I mean!) for his birthday. It's nice to be back in town, but I today was just a really bad day. I am still trying to figure out all this stuff with insurance - I can't seem to get the proper referrals for the post-op appointments I've had with Dr. Millis, so I had to cancel the one I am SUPPOSED to have tomorrow because I first need to settle all these past denied claims! UGH! It's sooo frustrating - I cried several times today because I am just so damn fed up with all this shit. I have come to the point where I almost wish I didn't HAVE the corrective surgery! I'd almost rather be in pain & having trouble walking than having to figure out all this insurance shit. Goddammit.

My coworker Art has been invaluable in helping me out with all this insurance crap (he really knows his way around, he's been through the same kind of situation many a time), and my boss has also been great about it all, really understanding when I have to figure stuff out at work and make a million phone calls and visits to doctors to get referrals. And best of all has been my awesome surgeon himself, Dr. Millis - he's been so helpful and so accomodating and so understanding about this all. He sounds as frustrated as I am with this whole insurance debacle. People like that have really been making this survivable - otherwise, I don't know what I'd do.

Anyway, after work I stopped at Danny's place because I really wanted to feel better after such a shitty day, but that didn't really cheer me up, either. I won't get into details, but I guess I just feel like there was a time when Dan was excited to see me, and made some effort with me. Now I think he takes me for granted - he knows I love him and want to be only with him, so he's not worried anymore. I understand, but I also wouldn't mind a little attention sometimes. I found myself wondering today what I get out of the relationship - and I know I get a lot! Dan has done me a world of good. I can't measure his actions in terms of the kinds of things I'd do, like buy little presents that make me think of him and tell him I miss him all the time. That's girly stuff, and I don't think I'd even LIKE it if my boyfriend did that kind of stuff, really. But I guess I do sometimes just want some attention, some reassurance. I can't just judge by one night when I was in a bad mood to begin with, so I will have to reevaluate all this stuff later on, but I had to get it out, had to say something. I love Danny so so much and I don't like having these bad feelings, they bother me so much. I have a strong feeling it's me just trying to harden my heart again, so that I don't get burned if Dan decides he doesn't want to be with me, like all my past boyfriends have done. Because I know Dan leaving me would be the hardest thing to deal with, ever. He's become my best friend as well as the person I love. I need to stop being so damned scared of that! Everyone goes through heartache - we have to risk it for people we think worthy of that risk. I need to jump in with both feet, eyes closed, heh.

Anyway, the great part of my night was the last part, when I went out for coffee with Jen Kane!!! YAY! That so made my night. I almost didn't even want to go cuz I was so exhausted from such an emotionally draining day (I was upset just even driving to her house to pick her up!). But I'm soooo glad we went out - we caught up (it's been ages since we've seen each other!) and had some great coffee at Cosi, and I just generally really enjoyed the visit. It's the first time in a while that I've been able to just sit back with a friend and forget about everything else except having fun and enjoying the company. It was really pleasant. I'm glad Jen's been one of my best friends for like 8 years!

In any case, the coffee's keeping me up, but I ought to go try to sleep a bit. I am sure I'll write more soon. --G'night!

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