boo(hoo)

I'm thinking I'm not cut out for this "new" job of mine...I've been here 5 months, and I still feel like everyone thinks I have no idea what's going on. I sometimes do feel that way, too, although I do think I'm understanding more and more as time goes on. But I should never have taken a job in Java when I wasn't trained in it; I'm not confident enough in my abilities, and thus I ask really basic questions or aren't certain enough of what I need to do (try/catch blocks are killer to me, because I just don't always know where they are necessary). I have had two assignments that were once mine reassigned to someone else in the past two days. I feel like I'm being thought of as completely incompetent, and everyone's just figuring it's better to give the work to someone else, even someone who's overloaded. I don't know what to do. My old boss has offered me a position at my former company; I'd take over all the programming work from the old, established part of the company, and probably get a somewhat significant raise from what I was once making. And I know, for whatever reason, that he has confidence in my abilities...even if those abilities are in yucky Visual Basic.

I am not taking the reassignments personally like I might once have done; I'm not angry or upset at anyone, save for myself. I just am terrified that they presume me to be entirely incompetent. More trouble than I'd be worth, in the long run. I wish I had never agreed to stray outside of the comfy bounds of C++. Not that I'm not interested in learning new things...but to be the only new recruit that wasn't all that familiar with the language coming in makes me look really ridiculous, relative to everyone else. They know their stuff. I'm sitting here trying desperately to learn not only a new system, but a new language, too. It's incredibly frustrating. And I'm sure not only to me - also to my boss and the rest of my team. I'm pretty sure they'd be better off without me.

I'd hate to leave a new job after only having been here less than half a year. But it just doesn't feel like a good fit, as much as I like all the people and everything. I am sure the incredibly long commute every day also doesn't help matters, since I am much less inclined to "stay late" when that means I'd be getting home at 7 or 8. I value the time I get to spend doing my own stuff; work isn't my life. I feel like it's kind of got to be, here, or I'm not doing enough. And I don't want to forfeit my life for my job.

I don't know what to do. :(

p.s. Happy Halloween.

words words words

Maybe it's because I was doing a little bit of this this morning, but I just saw the word "microphone" and instead of my brain registering its normal use, I swear I thought, "Oh, neat, they have this miniature phone?" It took me a few seconds for the fog to clear out of my mind (I think it doesn't help that I feel so exhausted right now, so my head's not really on straight) and then I laughed at myself.

I just hope I can stay awake through work & get something done! xo

p.s. Thanks go to Christine for showing me the Free Rice site, which I'm currently now in love with/addicted to. But I could only get to level 45. :( I wanna be among the few that get to 50! Well, I'll have to spend more time on it some other time...when I'm not at work...heh.

coupla pictures...

...one way better than the other. But I forgot to share the first one the other day!

1. Just a meal I cooked myself the other night, one of the first improvised (sans recipe) meals I've ever made...it was very simple, just a sautee of yellow squash & tomatoes & onions with some seasoning over some thin linguine...but I was still proud of it! And even more so of my awesome new square red plates:

Bad picture (kind of blurry), but it'll have to do.

and 2. First photo from the wedding! I'm sure I'll post more soon. Doesn't my family look beautiful?? Love them. :)

This one was kind of small, sorry. There's a larger picture out there somewhere, but I don't have a copy of it. But you can at least get the general idea. I think the colors of the wedding were just beautiful - so vibrant and brilliant. Congratulations, Bethany & Kevin!!! xoxo

who'dve thunk?

I didn't think this could actually happen (what is the probability?), but I actually received a tracking # that UPS has already used! I figured with their 18-digit random string dealie (well, I know at least the "1Z" part in the beginning isn't random, so 16-digit, anyway...), it'd be a long, long time (maybe 16!*10 packages, I think? if I recall my discrete math & permutations correctly, which I probably don't) before they needed to reuse one, even with the amount of packages they ship. But I received a tracking number yesterday for a bag I ordered online, and when I clicked the link to check out the status, I was infuriated that my package had been mailed to Fort Walton Beach, FL! And I thought that some guy named "Miles" was probably wearing the bag that very moment (I imagined he looked very cute). But then I noticed the date: "Delivered on: 09/08/2006 1:47 P.M." Yeah...that was over a year ago.

So either someone mistyped the number into the computer, or they actually did reuse it. Either way, I just hope my bag gets to me! I'm so excited for it. (I have a thing for bags...my friends - especially Tanya - can vouch for the fact that I've got dozens!)

Cross your fingers for me that UPS doesn't actually provide "Miles" with a lovely new handbag. xoxo

it's hip to knit squares

So, I have kind of put a lot of my other knitting on hold to work on knitting up squares for the Pine Street Inn, although I have to admit it's largely because I love the stash-busting of it all!! I've blown through a ton of the Cheese Grandma yarn, and I've got some other extra random balls here & there that I can also contribute. I also have gotten all lame and gone from knitting actual fun patterns to mostly doing mindless garter stitch. The reason for this is twofold: one, I get to watch in front of movies or shows that I'd rather be putting my mental energy towards (and kind of need to), like Heroes (love Milo Ventimiglia!); and two, because some of the yarn I've got, you really can't do much else with. It's thick and stiff and I don't really feel like wrestling it into submission to make some otherwise pretty pattern that probably can't even be appreciated because it'd look bad with the yarn! So I'll save those fun patterns for the lighter-colored, softer yarn I've still got lined up...and for when I'm watching some "lighter" DVDs. :)

I plan to share some pictures of my square-work-in-progress, especially those squares that are not just boring garter stitch. Soon. Promise.

You're also going to love the ones I did where I clearly ran out of yarn before I expected to! Hehe. But hey, they add splashes of color and a little bit of a change of pace...right?

xoxo

Currently Reading:
	TITLE: The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao AUTHOR: Junot Diaz

sleep attack

I meant to go home and get things done last night, but instead I went to bed almost as soon as I walked in the door (around 7:30, I think it was).  I was dog-tired yesterday; I fell asleep on both the train to work & back.  I guess I just really needed to sleep.  Getting up this morning wasn't any easier, though, really.  I still had to hit the snooze button a ton of times.  But I guess I feel slightly better, in general.  I'm going to try to devote this week to sleep, I think.  Without it, I can get cranky & go kind of crazy when I'm already in a slump.  Sometimes I fly through several sleepless nights, being uber-productive, but these days I am just feeling rundown.  I think maybe slowing down on everything in general is a good idea.

We'll see how true I can stick to my goal; I've tried this before, but haven't been great at it...xoxo

grammarama

When someone writes group posts like the following two, I find it hard to believe that they're not deliberately misspelling everything as much as they possibly can:

This is for all veiwing these messages. I feel the erge to leave the group do to the fact that i barly talk to anyone anyway and because I'm not use to being in a group unless it's with my friends at school. Yes, frankly I'm out of school but i still have my gain there and I would appreashiate if someone would delete my request on joining this group. Its not the group's fault, its just I need time to figure out my oun problems.
Thank you.

i have asked the head leaders of this group to let me out but it seems
like im still in this group. i will make this quite cleer. GET ME OUT
OF HERE!!!!!!!!!! i want out and that means, no more e-mails about
chats im in no part of, no more e-mails telling me how to do this knit
stitch where i can only learn by watching before doing, no more e-mail
about where to go to get the best sail on yarn. I want out, thats all
im asking.

I mean, really. That is probably how I would write if I were trying to make it appear like I couldn't spell or select words properly.

No offense intended to the person who wrote these (hence why I didn't use the name), but I was bothered enough by the anger and self-righteousness of these posts anyway (and it's really not necessary for the entire group to have to read these; I don't understand why people don't get that), that I guess I don't feel too badly pointing out the horrendous writing.

p.s. And omigod, check out what happens when things get a bit too personal in the group! My jaw literally dropped reading this, which was sent between complete strangers & rather out of the blue:

I am sorry you are so fat that your husband doesn't want to have sex
with you anymore...so you spend your free time reading dictionaries.....

Good lord. What is with this world?!? xo

a clarification

Let me just add (because that last post sounded so despairing) that I am otherwise doing really well!  I had an excellent weekend and a great last couple of weeks.  I was so happy (despite hip pain) and busy and keeping my head more than above water.  But this morning was just a bummer, and of course it colored the post I wrote.  I'm stressed about some major things in my life that I just don't have any control over; I just have to ride them out, I guess.  I just wish it were easier to let the waves take me where they will.  But I get frightened that they'll put me off in a worse place.  I realize worrying won't help, I just can't seem to turn my brain off.  Which is difficult, because I really need to concentrate here at work.  I wish there was something I could take that would just shut off all the things I don't want to think about right now.  I mostly just want to shut out the world & go back to bed!!!  I never get enough sleep.  I have to work on that.

hip woman

My hips aren't doing so well these days, and I'm getting really scared. I have been in pain almost every single day, some more bothersome than others. I am using my cane all the time, of course, but I hate to have to. I don't feel like I could go very far without it, though. I'm so frustrated; things had been going so well with them. But I am terrified that my doctor's going to tell me that next up for me is a total hip replacement. At 26. I'll see him in mid-November; that was the earliest appointment I could schedule with him, unfortunately. I guess I'll just get by until then.

This morning's commute was especially killer; the D line train was only 1 car long today instead of its usual 2, and that of course made for a crowded ride already. I certainly hope they aren't moving to that format to "cut costs" or anything, because that was just awful. People couldn't even get in the door I was standing near, it was so packed! But the worst part was that I had to stand all the way from Government Center to Longwood. I was standing right in front of this guy who was in the seat that indicates that one should give it up for people with crutches or canes or other reasons they'd need to sit, right? But I'm never going to ask someone to move. I usually don't even take a seat when someone offers it, but it is nice that people are courteous enough to ask. This guy, though? Didn't even look up, he just hunched even further over his computer, which he spent the entire train ride basically showing off. He had a tablet PC, and I wanted to be like, "Dude, you're not special just because you can write on your screen. Could you please just let me have your seat? I know you can't demonstrate your 'awesomeness' while standing up, but I'm sure the world can survive for one more day without seeing that." I probably should have asked for the seat, but I just couldn't bring myself to. Clearly, as Mike says, I can sometimes be too nice. I get walked all over. But I mean, come on. Is it that hard to be nice & give up your train seat for one morning? The guy was clearly not in need of it (save to display how damn cool he was using his tablet); he was probably a few years younger than me. And he pissed me off even more because he was this businessman in a suit & tie. They always tend to be inconsiderate jerks, at least in my experience.

Sorry, I just needed to rant. I didn't used to often need a seat; in fact, I have given up my seat at times to people who looked like they needed them even more, even when I was using my cane. But when I do need to sit, as much as I feel badly about it, I will gratefully accept an offered space.

I think I'm also coming down with something, which doesn't help me feel any better; when I finally did get to collapse into a seat today, I didn't even bother reading the rest of the paper, I just napped the rest of the ride. That's very not like me. But I'm feeling so under the weather.

I need things to get better, soon. I feel like everything is just spiraling out of my control. I don't like it. It scares the hell out of me. But I don't know what to do.

At least they were handing out free samples of Advil on the way into the train this morning. Painkillers are always welcome, haha. xoxo